Results 1 to 4 of 4
  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2003

    A little long to read, but funny none the less!!!

    > Canada Goes To Hell
    > Legal pot? Legal gay marriage? Universal health care? What's next, free
    > porn
    > and candy?
    > By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
    > Wednesday, December 15, 2004
    > Did you hear the screams? Did you feel the menacing chill? Did you see the
    > black and ominous clouds, moving north?
    > Did you sense, in other words, the very presence of Satan himself as he
    > laughed maniacally and tossed around bucketfuls of ultrathin condoms and
    > little travel-size packets of Astroglide like confetti while riding his
    > Harley Softail up to Toronto or maybe Edmonton to join the ghastly and
    > sodomitic celebrations?
    > Because it's happened. Canada's high court just ruled that the government
    > can, if it so desires, redefine marriage to include gay couples, which it
    > has declared it will do almost immediately, thus solidifying Canada's
    > place as the chilly yet mellow and gay friendly and hockey-riffic
    > epicenter of all known hell.
    > It's true. It's rather amazing. Gay marriage will be completely legal in
    > Canada very soon. It's been oddly ignored in much of the U.S. media and
    > hasn't really been much discussed among those in the terrified red states
    > except when, deep in the night, from their respective lumpy twin beds,
    > they whisper to each other across the room as they pop their Ambien and
    > stroke their portfolios and curse their very genitals: oh my God what's
    > wrong with those freakin' Canadians?
    > I mean (they continue), I thought they loved red meat and brutish sports
    > and manly hunting. Are they all just freaks and perverts now? Have they
    > been sniffing too many elk pelts? Is it something in the clean and
    > plentiful water up there? Something to do with those weird French-esque
    > people in Quebec, maybe?
    > I knew we should've been paying more attention to that border! Didn't I
    > say so, honey? Didn't I say we should keep an eye on those northern
    > weirdos after they dissed the Iraq war and legalized medical pot and sort
    > of went about their happy and calm Canadian business whilst we here in
    > panicky red-blooded America chewed our own karmic legs off in a paranoid
    > and jingoistic rage? Hippies and perverts, I said! Save a few bombs for
    > Ontario, George, I say!
    > Let us now do the naughty math: Canada has roughly 32 million inhabitants,
    > of whom about 75 percent are over 18, of whom it can be loosely estimated
    > that anywhere from 2 to 8 percent are gay (depends, of course, on who you
    > ask).
    > All of which translates into a ballpark figure of anywhere from 1 million
    > to 2 million gay Canadians of legal marrying age who will now eagerly
    > laugh and kiss in the streets and confound poor reactionary born-again
    > George W. Bush, and they will flash their wedding rings at parties and
    > annoy all the single people, all while proving for the umpteenth time that
    > love knows no gender limitations or legal restrictions and will trump your
    > whiny sanctimonious religious puling any given Sunday. Heathens!
    > It's getting more confusing by the minute, isn't it? I mean, Canada now
    > has legal medical pot and legal gay marriage and universal health care and
    > no known terrorist enemies and a relatively successful multiparty
    > political system. They also have, according to U.N.'s Human Development
    > Index, one of the highest qualities of life in the world. All coupled with
    > a dramatically reduced rate of gun violence and far better gun-control
    > legislation than the U.S., despite having the exact same per capita rate
    > of gun ownership and gun-sport enthusiasm.
    > What the hell? How is this possible? Why aren't they scared to death like
    > whiny red-state Americans? Why don't they want to kill each other along
    > with anything that might threaten their access to televised hockey and
    > cheap beer and yummy poutine?
    > Aren't they aware of what's happening in the world? Don't they know they
    > are openly hated for their freedoms and their cafés and their vinegared
    > french fries? Aren't they human, fer Chrissakes? Oh, red states. How
    > confused and irritated you must be.
    > After all, unlike the U.S., Canada backed the Kyoto Treaty (along with 165
    > other heathen nations). They also spend more per capita on education and
    > less on health-care overhead than the U.S. They have a $10 billion federal
    > surplus, a new record. They are not, as of yet, abusing the hell out of
    > their vast natural resources (freshwater, huge forests, oil and natural
    > gas, mineral deposits, etc.) and embarrassing themselves on a global scale
    > every single day and making a mockery of their constitution or their
    > citizens' civil liberties. What the hell is wrong with them?
    > Yes yes, I know, Canada's universal health care is flawed and not always
    > of the best quality, and a great many Canadians think their prime minister
    > is a bit of a schmuck and they hate paying taxes and of course they can be
    > all profitable and progressive when they don't have a massive bogus
    > unwinnable war to pay for, one run by a ravenous and fiscally idiotic
    > federal government, and they only have one-tenth of our population and
    > one-fiftieth of our desperate consumeristic gluttony. They have it easy,
    > right?
    > Remember, Canada is boring. Canada is rarely in the news. Canada has no
    > massive belching socioeconomic engine like America does, what with our
    > NASCAR and Hollywood and Fox News and bad porn and the absolute best
    > medical care on the planet despite how only a tiny fraction of us have
    > access to it while the rest languish in bloated abusive HMOs and poverty
    > and disease and 40 percent of us have no access to health care whatsoever.
    > Take that, Canada! Oh wait.
    > We hate gays and love guns and think pot is evil but hand out Prozac and
    > Zoloft like Chiclets. Meanwhile (as "Bowling for Columbine" so beautifully
    > illuminated), Canadians leave their doors unlocked and don't feature
    > violence and death on every newscast and still value community and
    > diversity and discussion over solipsism and protectionism and a general
    > hatred of foreigners and the French. See? We rule! Oh wait.
    > All of which makes you wonder: how many more countries will it take? How
    > many more nations will have to, for example, prove that gun licensing
    > works, or that gay-marriage legislation is a moral imperative, or that
    > health care for all is mandatory for a nation's well being, before America
    > finally looks at itself and says, whoa, damn, we are so silly and small
    > and wrong? Is there any number large enough? After the announcement that
    > gay Chinese and gay Russians may legally marry and grow lovely gardens of
    > marijuana as they all get free dental care, will America remain terrified
    > of nipples and queers?
    > Canadians. So mellow. So laid back. So gay. So not producing any truly
    > superlative modern-rock music or ultraviolent buddy-cop movies and not
    > actively siccing Wal-Mart or Starbucks or Paris Hilton on the rest of the
    > world like a goddamn cancer. They're just so ... nice. And boring. And
    > calm. And solid. And friendly.
    > And they simply beat us senseless on the whole open-minded, progressive
    > thing. Kicked our flag-wavin' butts. Trounced our egomaniacal
    > self-righteous selves and made the red states look even more foolish and
    > backward than the whole world already knows them to be.
    > They did it. Canada made the whole gay marriage issue look effortless and
    > obvious and healthy, and a massive black rain of hellfire did not pour
    > down upon them and the very idea of hetero marriage did not immediately
    > explode and their economy did not unravel like all the sneering cardinals
    > and right-wing nutballs screamed it would. We must ask, one last time:
    > what the hell is wrong with them?
    > Oh wait. Maybe we should rephrase. What the hell, we should be asking, is
    > wrong with us?

  2. #2
    Senior Member ak_sniper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Very funny Toutouche! I love to read those types of articles, personal opinions of Canada vs USA...well funny ones of course! Good find!

    20G Reef Tank (Starting again...)

  3. #3
    Senior Member CableGuy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    LOL......that was awesome!
    made me laugh my @$$ out!!


  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    very funny

Similar Threads

  1. funny
    By Bram in forum Just Getting Started
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 01-18-2007, 05:01 AM
  2. Just too Funny (and SCARY)!
    By gophia in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 04-14-2006, 07:26 PM
  3. How long is too long? (Bristle Worms)
    By RaceFaceR1 in forum Reef Discussion
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 04-01-2005, 05:12 PM
  4. Funny!
    By tang_man_montreal in forum Off Topic
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 02-08-2004, 03:00 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts